I feel like I am drowning in sadness from the inside. My personal well of sorrow is overflowing. I can feel it like rocks in the pit of my stomach. I can feel it in my throat choking me, filling my chest until I can barely take a breath. From the outside, the sadness of those around me rings in my ears. The sound of it is deafening. My eyes cannot contain it and the salty sting of Tears rolls down my cheeks. My chin. My neck. The sadness is overwhelming. I imagine that there must be a limit. A point when the bottom of the well is dry and the pain has run out. I imagine a Time that I will only feel the pain of the now and not of the past. I tell myself that it has to get worse before it gets better but the worst carries on and Returns. The sadness waxes and wanes and returns to overwhelming. Is feeling it really the right thing to do or was I right in fighting it off so long? I no longer have the strength to fight and hide it. My old defenses are gone and I am left to show my sadness to the world no matter how badly I wish I could put it away again.
If only I had invested a dollar for everytime that a therapist shook their head and said, you didn’t get what you needed I’m so sorry, as they watch me sobbing quietly. Okay so we’ve established that. Something that I needed was missing. So where do I find it? How do I get it now? Is there some internal time machine that can take me back to that place where I needed to get it and give it to me then? What do I do now?