I am in the process of breaking down who I once was. All of the years that seemed like mine, I can now see so clearly were not. What wasn’t me was driven by the pit of need inside. An empty well that could not be filled. The constant seeking fulfillment from the outside. I didn’t see it then. I couldn’t. I was blind. Now I can see. My eyes have been opened. My Inner Well is simply not on auto fill like it should be. It’s broken. It’s not my fault. But it is my responsibility to fill it. Not by chasing validation from others. Not by grasping at every passing opportunity to connect with hopes that I can get something from that person to help fill the painful void inside. No wonder it seems like so many put their guard up and run just when they’ve started to get to know me. It is time to end the futile quest for outside fulfillment. My well is broken. No one can fill the hole but me. The path I’ve tried is not working. I must let go of the ways of the past. I know there is another way.
Most people learned how to keep it filled early on. Sometimes on auto pilot. With close family bonds and hobbies. Art, instruments, reading, sports, journaling, nature, or a thousand different habits that people form to keep the Inner Well filled or at least cycling between full and sometimes low. Everyone has struggles, of course. So many people experienced pain and trauma in their childhoods. What I have observed is that the majority of people have learned ways to keep that well full at least to the point where they could develop hobbies, or careers, possibly maintain long term friendships, and generally go about their everyday life without breaking down in tears in public. These are all things that I struggle with. My disordered thinking and codependency issues have caused me to look outside for a repair. Something or someone who could teach me how to make my well auto fill like it should. Like other people seem to be able to do.
For many years, a decade plus, in another life, I had made fixing myself a priority. I did the affirmations, meditation, counseling, journaling, and friendship building. I made my email address itself into an affirmation. But my friendships never seem to last. Time and time again I find myself broken hearted over an individual that I hoped would be my salvation. The answer to my broken well. Or at least expected them to stand by me and be part of my long term support system. Only to have them walk away. Judge me and decide that they would be better off separated. Apart from my neediness, negativity, and overwhelming expectations. Some deliberate and aggressive, some slowly and quietly, some without even being conscious that they were doing it or why. But I know. I feel it. I didn’t understand it for so very long. But I get it now. The emptiness of the well and the urgent grasping of me, looking for someone outside to give me something to fill it. I didn’t understand before but I see it now. All of the years of doing all of the work that I needed. Thinking that ultimately I would be better. That my well would become auto filling and that the work would stop. Feeling that I was good enough after all of the years of work, that my well should be fixed, and that I should be ok to change focus.
Now I need to return to myself. Stop the fruitless cycle of heartbreak expecting another to fix something that they cannot. I need to be my love and light. If the well cannot be fixed then it is my job to fill it. Everyday.