**rough draft
I don’t really remember the first time i heard about emdr but i def remember this very common feeling I have where something is just not meant for me. Like there’s no way my trauma was serious enough or my insurance would cover that or a flying fat chance in hell I’d even do it right.
The second time i heard Emdr mentioned it was in one of many different support groups I had attended. It was called “Emotions Anonymous”, similar to AA but all drama without the substances. This time it was someone i knew who had benefited from it and my thoughts shifted to being curious to find out more. The problem with trauma brain is…. Well, so many things.. You are basically programmed to ignore your own needs and worry about how other people are feeling. Speaking for myself personally, over the years i have proven time and time again that i will put in more effort toward helping another person, than i would ever even consider for myself. Beyond that, when i do finally get to a point of wanting to do something for myself, there are multiple layers of learned helplessness, overwhelm and a general difficulty in seeing what options are available or how to access them.
At that I point I learned as much as I could about emdr. It was clearly the most commonly mentioned and highly recommended treatment for ptsd. Unfortunately Cptsd isn’t regularly recognized as a real and separate thing. I learned that in an emdr session, you don’t actually have to repeat the details of the trauma out loud. You don’t even have to think through it all. You just choose a picture, preferably the most disturbing image and potentially words that represent the incident.
The other thing that came up in my research is the risk. Apparently performing emdr on someone who is not properly prepared and stable can end up making things worse. Any predisposition to disassociate or spiral could be made worse. And of course my brain automatically assumes that if something could go wrong, I would absolutely be the one to fuck it up.
After several years of doing this little research and avoidance back and forth, I finally decided to seek out a provider of said mysterious treatment. Turns out it’s not so easy to find. In my medium size city, there was a small list of specialists offering EMDR. After some searching and vetting, I started seeing a tiny blonde lady, with that huge tiny lady presence, if you know what I mean. That office chick who’s barely 5’3” in her killer heels but walks faster than anyone else like she’s always on a mission.
She seemed down to earth and I remember starting out, as I have with several different new therapists, explaining that I have an issue / aversion to opening mail and paying bills. It’s a problem. I don’t remember ever getting into those issues in detail with her, but what i mostly remember about my time with her is that she wouldn’t do EMDR with me because “i wasn’t stable enough,” which was a little shame triggering but I was also already a little scared of it not going well or not doing it right or being good enough. Or god fucking forbid, I do it and feel better and still don’t make anything of myself. I digress.. Anyway, the other thing that I remember about my time with this specific therapist, is her obsession with my not eating breakfast Like she just could not deem me as stable enough for emdr unless I was regularly eating breakfast. In the end, after maybe a little less than a year, we stopped seeing each other due to issues with my insurance lapsing because I didn’t open the mail. Still kind of infuriating and feels like I just wasted that time with her, but I did eventually end up figuring out some of the food issues later on (I’m writing a separate piece about food and cptsd, stay tuned).
Over the next several years, I saw different providers, had a DUI that I really did not deserve but was triggered on being approached by police and did everything wrong. Underwent substance treatment, and many other things before finally coming into another opportunity to try EMDR.
I was referred to an agency by a friend and after speaking with a few different people there ended up working with a therapist who I really liked, Michelle. She got me on the waiting list for EMDR. In the meantime I looked into the idea of doing it by myself. Come to find there are numerous resources, like videos and apps, for doing self EMDR. I didn’t feel ready at the time, but I was initially given the impression that the waiting list was not very long. At one point, Michelle told me that she was leaving the agency, but I was at the top of the list for EMDR! Bittersweet to say the least. We spent our last few sessions doing EMDR assessments, which was disappointing. She gave me her number and told me to stay in touch, which it took me way too terribly long to actually do. She told me that someone from the agency would reach out to me to schedule EMDR. So I waited. Probably a good 2 months, before I contacted them. The person who returned my messages had no idea about the EMDR waiting list, but she was my new counselor who appeared to be 23 years old. I feel horrible about being ageist, but the timing was really bad because I was already disappointed about losing Michelle and then not being contacted and then not being at the top of the waiting list or getting any idea how long it would be. It was all very confusing and upsetting and I told her that I didn’t see us working together and apologized. She seemed offended, but maybe that’s just my expectation. I still feel bad about it. I went awhile without therapy. I had another incident with losing my health insurance suddenly. This ttime not because of anything i did wrong, but because I came up for review for medicaid and was making too much working full time. Yadda yadda.. 10 million tears later.. I have Fridays off now and medicaid. I found a new counselor, Carrie, who I really like. And after probably about 2 years on this particular waiting list, I am at the top of the list. For reals. I did all the assessments and am moving forward. More to follow here soon!
Sending love and blessings to you, thx for reading xoxo Jes