Lately I feel shut down.. I still continually crave connection with other people, but I’ve lost the inclination to actually reach out and engage with them.
Until today.
I’ve spent so much time lately ruminating over people of the past. Girlfriends that I once spent time with and shared things with that have left my life for one reason or another. Looking back on it and seeing all the times that were my fault. How I was letting my PTSD and dissociation alienate the people that cared about me. All the times that I couldn’t see past my own inner struggles, or all the many times that I put off or avoid taking care of myself, only to subconsciously expect other people to fulfill me.
Within the safety of a loving and healthy relationship with an equal partner I have found that even after all of the years that I spent going to counseling and reading self-help books, there was another whole layer of unprocessed shit that my brain had hidden from me. How happy that now I’ve found safety I get to process negative emotions and patterns that I’ve avoided my entire life. Yay!
And so I struggle with seeing this as a repeating pattern in my friendships with women. Women that I have felt very close to and loved dearly, who choose to walk away. It has happened so many times, at different points in my life, with different people, who each had their own reasons. It has often been one-sided, with me not really understanding why or what I could have said or done that was so awful. A few still cross my mind on a very regular basis. I think about reaching out to them. I write long letters in my head trying to explain or defend myself. Sometimes shed a tear, and consider actually reaching out.
My entire life I have craved this connection and somehow always manage to screw it up. It’s come to the point now where I just can’t bring myself to attempt to create this connection because I’m afraid I’m not really capable of being a good friend anyway.
But today, I did something. I replied to a Facebook post from a local women’s group. I got positive response, and it felt good. Maybe this phase is passing.