At this point in time, I feel like I am really at a crossroads. Like the way I have been up until this point really isn’t getting me any farther. Until or unless I accept myself fully, as I am, I will continue to spin.
Four years ago, I made the decision to leave my marriage and be on my own. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made and by far the most difficult thing that I’ve been through. Internally I fought against it for years. Probably as many years as I had been happy I spent forcing myself to stay.
The majority of the fifteen years that I spent with my ex husband I had been either wrapped up in drugs and partying, or on a steady path of self improvement. He and I were both caught up in drugs and drinking for the first several years of our relationship. Once that season passed, we grew apart pretty quickly. At least I did. He claims that he was always with me, but as far as my heart was concerned, he couldn’t have been farther away in the end. They say opposites attract, and for us that was definitely true, but as we grew individually over the years, so much was in opposite directions of each other. I just felt that I would never be truly comfortable in my own skin under his judgment.
I have been in and out of counseling intermittently from the time that I graduated high school, and spent a good portion of my married years working on self improvement. Trouble is, it seemed like the stronger I felt about myself, the more I felt that I had made the wrong choice in partners. It took so very too many years before I could admit to myself that I wanted to leave him. That’s how I ended up making such a nasty mess with the end, because somehow my subconscious along with a rekindled sex drive, convinced me that the issues I was having were all about sex. Not that I actually wanted to leave, but that I could maybe “get it out of my system.” So I cheated on my husband for three months, after 15 years of pristine faithfulness. I remember a couple of times looking myself in the mirror with tears streaming down my face, teeth clenched, shaking my head and hissing under my breath, “Who are you and why are you Fucking with my LIFE!!” After three months I knew clearly that it wasn’t really just about sex and that I had to leave. Our son had just turned 3. It was devastating. My ex husband was never a bad guy. Just a little warm tempered and rough around the edges, with a slight propensity toward harsh criticism of others, but for the most part a great guy. When we got together he was an art student in college, with long hair and a black leather jacket. By the time we were ending he had grown to be more of conservative leaning republican capitalist, which is very much the opposite of anything I ever wanted to be. Most of the details didn’t actually come clear to me until much later, at this time all I really knew is that my libido had pushed me out. Since then what I’ve figured out, is that I cheated so that he wouldn’t ask me to stay. Even though I knew I had to leave that relationship, I cared for him deeply, and there was no way in this universe that I would’ve walked away while he was trying to change my mind. No. Way.
During the time frame that I took the plunge into singlehood, I also decided to change career path. It was something that had been on my mind for awhile, but was suddenly thrust on me due to the fact that my then husband had become good buddies with one of the partners at the small company I was working for at the time. When the shit hit the fan and he discovered my secret email account the day after I told him I was leaving, he decided to announce to the world of social media that he was single and heartbroken. Coincidentally [insert sarcasm] the following week my employers decided to “restructure the company”, eliminating my position. After about a year and half of part time work and going to beauty school, taking in my sister and her boyfriend and mostly supporting them for a couple of years, I finally got a foot in the door to my dream career in human services. Yes I love my work, however I have no degree and am starting at entry level. About 2 years later, my house was foreclosed on, and now it is just exactly one year after that.
I am working full time entry-level per deim doing work that I love for a wage that does not get me by paycheck to paycheck. Not even close. I don’t know what I am going to do now. Just keep plugging forward I guess. And write.